I'm back in the states.

Mixed feelings....

I am- and have- become

Hm, wow.

I suppose it's Day 30+ now for backpacking, and 5+ months for the total time here thus far.

Hah, I lost track. And I'm sick of counting. I sort of "finished" out the last of my backpacking trip in Italy in the last week, and took a train back to Germany to be stationary again for awhile.

Diez has definitely become a second home to me, or rather, my home away from home. The community, the people, the language, even. I find myself dreaming in German, constantly thinking in German, and when I am alone I do things like say "ja, das ist gut" to myself, or "ich denke auch", even though I'm not talking to anyone. It's like a constant recital that I'm ready to perform at any given moment. And speaking of... in my backpacking travels, when I arrived in different countries such as Poland, Croatia, Hungary, Slovenia, etc... I noticed that you could usually find a handful of young adults who spoke English, but as for the restaurants, shops, and adults I met in between, most didn't. They either spoke their native language or.... yes, you guessed it... Deutsch! Ah, who'd have thought (well, actually, makes sense)... but how convenient that I was able to still communicate by speaking German in all these other countries as an American traveller? I just found that so cool. Languages rock my world. Cultures rock my world, too! Man, I love travelling. Being on the open road (or valley, main square, field, ) is a BE-YOU-TI-FUL thing!!! love it, love it, love it.

I also love that I'm not hauling around a 35lb death sentence anymore... Or rather, it was a life sentence, as it kicked my ass and forced me to be a bit healthier! It was a love/hate reltionship with my hiking bag. It felt right when I slipped it on every morning. It felt absolutely right, like it was meant to feel exactly this way. But, then again, at the end of every evening when I dropped to my knees and let loose my aching shoulders, that, also, felt right. It's something I cannot really explain- and perhaps my love affair with my hiking bag is something you are either extremely creeped out about or have no interest in.

Either way, I certainly consider myself leaning towards a professional hill/stair climber now, although I may still be in the pre-levels of training compared to those normal woodsy people who just seem to bounce up mountainsides like they're weightless stick figures being carried by the waves of the wind. I don't get how those people do it. Yes, backpacking is HARD...for me, at least. I'm out of shape, though, so you have to give me some credit for spending a month entirely on my feet with heavy bag stuffed full of clothes and well-intentioned camping gear that wasn't used enough, and who knows what else. *sigh and stretches*...eeeh. Can't complain. S' done me real good, tho. ;) I have learned so much from this. SO much!!

Whether it was just a physical challenge, or the fact that it pushed me to be more, I am not sure. Both, I think. Also, it opened up my eyes to being forced to learn how to adapt and adjust... hopping on and off of trains and in and out of several different countries with several different curriences, languages, people, and cultures...all the while travelling by foot and alone in each destination, not sure where I am going or what I am doing day to day. It made for a great journal, and I plan to humor myself in my return to the states with attempting to slide these documentations in between the pages of a hardback, perhaps. We'll see. I doubt I'll have time on my hands, as when I return to the states, I'll be needing a full-time job to pay off the euros I've shed, both in sweat and survival, and will have to pump out one last year of university. Hmm. The days to come are ones I am not quite ready to think about.

6 months of liberation. 6 months of freedom. As of today, it's been actually about 5 months and 21 days.... but in 3 days I'll have reached 6 months. :) wow! Half of a freaking year! It's just crazy to think about.

To me, there is a timeline with these things, and certainly, after 3-4 months, you start feeling like you sort of could belong and are no longer just a "tourist" - which is how you are usually viewed for the first day-3 months. But once you hit 4 and perhaps spill over towards 5+, I think it becomes a serious thought. A serious time. A serious adjustment. And at 6, I definitely feel as though I have, how do you say, "made the shift." I no longer live day to day in an English speaking country with my native family and friends, nor do I live in my own country. I live in Europe now. I live by the seat of my pants. I live day to day. I live with no timeline. I live breathing in whatever comes my way, and in an entirely different realm than home. And here, I am happy. This is where I belong, in the moment, in the now. Everything is clear here. Everything. And in the states, I never, ever feel that way. For a number of reasons, I am sure.

"Home". I throw that word around too much. What is home for me? I don't know. For the past 6 months, home has been Diez, Vienna, several different countries, and most importantly, my hiking bag. My bag contains my entire life here, outside of my body and soul. My entire life for the past half of a year is the weight I bear on my shoulders every day, all day, and it is not only symbolic, but metaphoric as well. It certainly represents that I am presently aware of what I have here, of what I hold here, and the meaning it has for me. It simply cannot be expressed correctly in words.

I have so much more I want to say, but suddenly I feel as though this is enough for now. I am afraid that once I tip the ink jar over too far, the ink will come spilling out onto the paper and will spread and seep and soak up the empty air in front of me...and I need time. I need to stop for now.

This is one of those moments where I really believe in myself.

I left the USA, and in doing so, I approached the plane, peeled off my old skin, stepped out of it, and walked onto the plane, gasping for "air". I LEFT "me" behind in search of the real soul inside that has been longing to escape for the past 10+ years. Especially the last 4 years,which is how long it's taken me to come back here. And in reaching my destination, I stepped off the plane and INHALED. Ah. I am alive. THIS, whatever it is I am made of right now, is exactly what I am supposed to be. How to explain that to everyone back in the states who knows me as the skin I left behind... I just don't know. But it has to be made known that I don't know that person anymore. It was who I was but never wanted to be, and I need everyone reading this to remember that. I can only be who I want to be. Not who you need me to be. And I never, ever again want to be who everyone else wants me to be. Because then it's not ME. it's YOU, stepping into ME. and I am ME. YOU are YOU. And that is simply how it will always be.

Oh, there is just so much to say. Perhaps it will never be enough.

KAH-mping! yes!

hey everyone...

I have been on the road for some days now... this post puts me at Day 13! I can and cannot believe this is really happening. Everywhere I go and everything I see is affecting me in some way, shape, and form. This is definitely a HUGE learning process, and soo much growth is taking place. It shocks me, really. You never have any idea until you´re doing it.  It is absolutely fantastic.

Here is a short breakdown::

Left Vienna, went back to Germanyž

Left Diez and headed to Berlin for a few days.

Berlin to Krakow

Krakow to Budapest

Budapest to Ljubljana

Ljubljana to Bled (camping here)

...thats as far as I am. I am not sure what the days ahead bring...that is the both awesome and frightening thing about traveling without planning. Sometimes it works out just great and sometimes it is a long and exhausting experience, but nonetheless, it is always rewarding at the end of the day. I have not regretted any decision i have made on the road, yet.

I know people are curious as to my favorite place so far. To be honest, Prague offers the best scenic view and the greatest quaint and old-town feel. For me, it felt like anyone who stepped foot in Prague should automatically belong there. It just had that feel. Best experience, though, is Krakow...by far. definitely met some amazing people there and stayed at a great hostel. I really enjoyed the town and everything had a really good feel. It is one of those places you don´t want to leave behind, but know you have to.

Thanks for those of you that read this... I don´t update much. Sorry. I will try to get some updates pictures posted on facebook when I can find a cheap internet cafe. 

over and out.

it's time to pack the bag.

Right, so I haven't updated the cyberworld in a long time, but I don't have the energy or the desire right now to fill you guys in on lots of details that seem so far behind me now, so let's just cut to the chase:

- I finished my semester in Vienna in the beginning of April. It was really great overall and I took a lot from it.

- I moved back to Germany and was planning to only temporarily stay here in Diez to visit my friends, but days turned into weeks, and I'm still here. In between, my friend Matthias hooked me up with a job nannying for his older brother's kids, and it's going really well.

- I decided 5 minutes ago that I'm leaving my nanny job at the end of next week. I might give it longer, in case my knee and ankle need time to heal,  (I re-sprained my ankle and cut open my knee) but I should survive. 

- I'm going to travel like originally intended...I don't know all the details, but it's going to happen.

- When I'm done traveling, if I still want to stay in Europe for the summer, the family said they'd welcome me back as a nanny for the remainder of the summer. Or I'll return "home" to the good 'ole US of A.

...we'll see. So that's the updates.

Also... I really feel so distant from some people at home right now. My good friend Angie is getting married in about 2 weeks and I haven't even talked to her since around Christmas time.  I really miss her, though, and wish her the absolute best on her journey ahead. Everyone's getting it together- that's for sure. Taking a hold of their lives, getting married, getting pregnant, getting "real" jobs. It's good. I'm happy for them, I really am.

...I'm not ready for that chapter, though. I'm just not ready.

Trieste, Italia!

The harbor of Trieste

another picture of the beautiful harbor around sunset...   

(L-R) Corrinne, me, and Hannah with Trieste in the background!

Ah, I am so bad at updating this...

Alright, here are some updates for those following!:

-Went to Trieste. By far my GREATEST experience yet in Europe!!! Trieste is a port city, and overlooks the harbor of the Adriatic Sea. It is absolutely breathtaking!!! There is a piazza in the center and it's just this wide open square on the water, lined by restaurants, important buildings, and cafes. The town itself is reaaally small compared to Vienna, so that made it impossible to get lost!! 

-In Trieste:

- I had Gelato for the first time!!! (real, Italian Gelato, of course. I would have to say I don't have a favorite. Every flavor I tried tasted amazing).

- I had great italian pizza. The fresh chunks of mozerella and tomato basil one was my favorite!

- We went on a beach walk along the harbor and it was one of those walks that you could look in every direction and not be able to catch your breath because of the scenic beauty! The shoreline was magnificent... so surreal. It really was just incredible.  Then we visited Miramara Castle (see my facebook pictures!) and walked through a beautiful garden with Palm Trees!!

- Saw Castle San Giusto... an old ruins castle with an amazing view of the entire city!

- Enjoyed and savored the Italian lifestyle. I couldn't have felt more refreshed there! (It helped that the weather was GREAT).

- 7 students from our group are officially done with their classes here. Pretty much everyone has left to return to the states. A few are travelling with their parents or families for a couple of days and then returning, but goodbye was goodbye. I will really miss everyone, as we've all gotten along great. Friendships were formed, and I really feel blessed to have met such amazing people. The dynamics of our group are incredible. :)

- The 10 of us left have 2 more weeks of classes and are officially done with the program on April 2nd.

- After April 2nd, I begin my backpacking trip!!

- My next post will be sharing my itinerary in brief with you guys!

- I miss everyone back home. Shout-outs to y'all! (you know who you are)

Trieste!!

I am going to Trieste, Italy this weekend!!!

It's our one excursion as an entire group and faculty, and I'm really rather excited!

Our train leaves the train station around 6:30am tomorrow morning (bright and early! It wouldn't have the same affect any other way...) and we arrive in Trieste about 7 hours later. We're there until Sunday, and we arrive back in Vienna late Sunday night.

Yay! I've always wanted to see Italy, and travel to different, lesser-known areas. I hope the weather stays nice, and that we're able to really take a lot from this trip.

I'll write an update sometime after I get back.

Ciao!